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一切都已结束,一切还未开始

作者/苏更生

诺顿,你好呀。最近我住的城市终于下了场雪,人们狂欢一般走出家门,薄薄的春雪转瞬即逝,像过往的时间,存在过,但是好像并不真实,又像是一种期待,新的时间已经开始,人们都渴望生活,走出门去,看世界好像有了变化。我认真想了想,真的有什么改变吗?除了我们又老去一岁?还是有的,过往都沉在我们的骨头里,这是我们活着的证据。

有时候我想,人真是奇怪,为什么会对未知如此渴求,希望一切都已然成定局,每个人都有确定的答案,每个人都有固定的位置,可是长久的生活却告诉我,不是这样的,只有不确定才是唯一确定不变的。人人苛求的安稳,无非是刻舟求剑,是某种接近浪漫的期待,但是不会有这种事情发生。

人们似乎认为漂泊是不好的,不确定是不好的,不安稳是不好的,转脸又嘲笑起了一成不变生活着的人们过得平庸,人类到底要什么呢?要的或许是得不到的东西,因为得不到,所以渴求。这种本末倒置让人过得很累,或许这也是种天性,人类对此也毫无办法。

我总是对理直气壮持某种坚定意见的人保持怀疑,并为此感到疑惑。难道人们的生活不总是犹豫不决,模糊不清?谁能知道哪条路才是正确的路?谁又能说出如何肯定地获得幸福?谁又能规定好人生的正确答案呢?因为我们是如此的不确定,才有了各样的生活形态和方式,指出某种生活方式一定是好的,是对的,不这么做的人肯定会有悲惨的下场,这种态度让我怀疑,并且反感。谁不想获得幸福呢?可是这世界上,却没有几个幸福的人呢。

只是他们的坚定依然让我焦虑,让我怀疑自己是不是在一条错误的路上走得很快。可是我总想,我们只是很渺小的人呀,有什么能力来掌控时间和人生,无非是在几个决定性的瞬间误打误撞,踉踉跄跄地被推到了这里。即便怀着最美好的愿望,最强大的决心,也没有保证人生里没有痛苦和沮丧,到处都是鲜花、祝福和善意。如果有谁能告诉人们,你只要如此做,就一定能成为世界上最快乐的人,世人只会当他是个疯子。至于神和信仰,是帮助人们相信,而不是帮助人们获得幸福。

相信很重要,期待也很重要,但是没有人会确信,未来一定会很好。但这样也没关系,我总是对自己说,你如此不重要,你的幸福也如此不重要,不要挂在心上,去平静地生活,放弃对自我的关注,对他人的介怀,尽力让日子清爽。只是某些焦虑和遗憾依然会在深夜的时候涌上心头,让人辗转反侧,彻夜失眠。

诺顿先生,你有后悔过吗?关于你的人生。我想了很久,虽然不太肯定,但是依然认为自己没有后悔过,我们谈论过,关于走过的都是必经之路,人生没有范本,虽然自我一钱不值,但是每个人的人生都是独特的,这点毫无疑问,为此我为自己的选择付出了代价,花费了大量的时间和情感,这让我无法后悔。不是因为这是我的选择,而是正是这些代价、选择,让我成为了此刻的自己。人不能不接受自己,眼前这个有点难过,不太容易高兴的人,是我,可是我对此也没有什么办法。

有时候我总以为,在某一个时刻,生活会啪的一下完全改变,我会有新的开始,新的人生,住在新的城市,认识新的人,后来我长大了,明白世界上没有奇迹,可是我依然可以改变自己的生活,从每一天,每顿饭,每一个工作开始。最终那个“啪”的时刻是否会出现,我也不太确定,可是人活于世,必须让自己相信一些东西,期待某种未来,不然人到底要以什么理由说服自己,继续活下去。

最近我又睡得很好,暂时摆脱了助眠药物,在每个晚上,早早关上灯躺上床,在黑暗里胡思乱想几分钟,就能沉沉睡去,几乎不会做梦。这对我来说,是罕见的安稳,或许是因为我回到了家里,一切都很轻松,我长大了,没人会站在我面前,告诉我应该如何去生活,我的存在本身就成为了某种合理。可是我也隐隐担心,是大家放弃了,不再对我有所期待。

睡觉的时候,这些都结束了,可是我又觉得,什么都还没开始。我回到了儿时的住处,走在了儿时的街上。在我走过的瞬间,我在脑海中复原了街道原来的面貌,这些建筑又回到了旧时的模样。房子矮了,旧了,颜色灰暗了,路窄了,灯昏黄了许多,我又成了那个沉默而古怪的小孩,每天黄昏的时候走出门去散步,独自一人,走过了许多条街,连路人都要拉着我询问,为什么一个人走这么远。

诺顿先生,有时候我想,人生就是这样吧,我们努力长大,离开旧居,开始新的生活,可是在某些时候,我们就会明白,看起来一切都已结束,但你心里知道,一切都还没开始,我还是个独自走路的小孩,任何时候不会离开。

您东半球官方指定唯一的女朋友

苏更生

english:

Everything is over, everything has not started yet

Norton, how are you? Recently, the city where I live has finally come to the snow. People often go out of their homes. The thin spring snow is fleeting. It has existed like the past time, but it seems not true. It is like an expectation. The new time has already At the beginning, people are eager to live, go out and see the world seems to have changed. I seriously thought about it. Is there really any change? Except that we are old one year old? There are still some, and the past is sinking in our bones. This is evidence that we are alive.

Sometimes I think, people are really weird, why are they so eager for the unknown, I hope that everything is a foregone conclusion, everyone has a definite answer, everyone has a fixed position, but long-term life tells me that this is not the case. Only uncertainty is the only certainty. Everyone's demanding stability is nothing more than a sword-seeking sword. It is something that is close to romance, but there is no such thing.

People seem to think that wandering is not good. Uncertainty is not good. It is not good to be unsettled. Turning your face and laughing at the people who have lived in a constant life are mediocre. What do humans want? What is needed may be something that is not available, because it is not available, so it is craving. This kind of inversion has made people very tired. Perhaps this is also a kind of nature, and humans have no way to do this.

I always doubt and doubt the person who is confident and assertive. Isn't people's lives always hesitant and unclear? Who can know which way is the right way? Who can say how to get happiness for sure? Who can prescribe the correct answer to life? Because we are so uncertain, we have all kinds of life forms and ways, pointing out that certain lifestyles must be good and right. Those who don’t do this will definitely have a tragic end. This attitude makes me Doubt and resent. Who doesn't want to be happy? But in this world, there are not a few happy people.

Only their firmness still makes me anxious, let me wonder if I am going very fast on the wrong road. However, I always think that we are just very small people. What is the ability to control time and life? It is nothing more than a few decisive moments of mistakes, and it has been pushed here. Even with the best wishes, the strongest determination does not guarantee that there is no pain and frustration in life, and there are flowers, blessings and goodwill everywhere. If anyone can tell people, if you do this, you will be the happiest person in the world. The world will only be a madman. As for God and faith, it helps people to believe, not to help people get happiness.

Believe it is important, expectation is also very important, but no one will be convinced that the future will be very good. But it doesn't matter. I always say to myself, you are so important, your happiness is so important, don't hang on your heart, live quietly, give up your attention to yourself, care for others, try your best to keep your days fresh. . Only some anxiety and regrets will still come to mind in the middle of the night, people will toss and turn, sleepless nights.

Mr. Norton, have you regretted it? About your life. I thought for a long time, although I am not sure, but I still think that I have not regretted it. We have talked about it. The road to passing is the only way to go. There is no model in life. Although the self is not worth the money, everyone’s life is It is unique, and there is no doubt that I paid a price for my choice and spent a lot of time and emotion, which made me regret it. Not because this is my choice, but because of these costs and choices, I have become myself at the moment. People can't help but accept that they are a little sad. People who are not very happy are me, but I have no way to do this.

Sometimes I always think that at a certain moment, life will change completely. I will have a new beginning, a new life, live in a new city, meet new people, then I will grow up and understand the world. There is no miracle, but I can still change my life, starting every day, every meal, every job. In the end, the moment of "啪" will appear, I am not sure, but people live in the world, they must believe in something, look forward to a certain future, or why people should convince themselves and continue to live.

Recently, I slept very well. I got rid of the sleep aids for a while. On each night, I turned off the lights and went to bed early. After thinking for a few minutes in the dark, I could sleep deeply and never dream. This is a rare security for me, perhaps because I am back home, everything is very easy, I grew up, no one will stand in front of me and tell me how to live, my existence itself becomes Something reasonable. However, I also vaguely worried that everyone gave up and no longer expected me.

When I was sleeping, it was over, but I felt that nothing had started yet. I went back to my childhood home and walked down the street in my childhood. At the moment I passed, I recovered the original appearance of the street in my mind, and these buildings returned to the old ones. The house was short, old, the color was gray, the road was narrow, the lights were dim, and I became the silent and quirky child. Every day at dusk, I went out for a walk, alone, and walked through many streets. The passers-by must pull me to ask why a person walks so far.

Mr. Norton, sometimes I think, life is like this. We try to grow up, leave the old house and start a new life, but at some point we will understand that everything seems to be over, but you know everything. I haven't started yet. I am still a child walking alone and will not leave at any time.

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